The Petras Enquirer:
All the News That Fits the Printing Press
Reaver-Cleaver Strikes Again!
Reports from Dockside indicate that another victim of the Reaver-Cleaver has been found. The victim has been identified as Low Market Jenny. Typical of the Reaver-Cleaver, the victim was missing both quadriceps muscles and both earlobes. She was also missing multiple fingers. When asked for comment, a very saucily-dressed Captain Angela Delphin gave a very aggressive “NO COMMENT,” and threw the Enquirer’s reporter in the harbor.
Debauchery at Capet-Danmar Engagement Party!
Artists Rendering of Hamnet von Danmar, Julia Capet Touching Lips! In Public! With Other People!
Captain Quirk Jumps Out Window! Pursued by Distraught Lover! Flees Across Grounds!
In an increasingly unsurprising fashion, Captain Mayon Quirk was spotted diving out a window and running away from a jilted lover. While there are conflicting reports on whether his lover was a burly, tattooed orc, a spangly-shorted human, a comically costumed gnome, or some combination of the aforementioned lovers, his lover was surprisingly male, contrary to our recurring series of “Who’s your Daddy? Quirk’s your Daddy.” He was last seen hurling himself over the walls of the Capet estate, pursued by at least one jilted lover. We look forward to providing you with all the salacious details.
Drunken Revel in Street Amazingly Safe! Only One Death!
Atypically for an Altai Hill birthday party, only one death was reported at Emelia of DeMona’s party on Standard Street. The unfortunate deceased, Thello of Somence, appears to have died of an an overabundance of iron. In particular, he appears to have suffered said overabundance in his stomach and femoral artery.